Crappy two days and night

Ugh! I just hated it when I lose my cool with Kate. That child will push my buttons. She doesn't listen or do what she is told and I know better than to let it ride. I have to put her in time out the very first time she is not following directions. Well tonight I kept letting it slide, and finally I exploded and took all her new b-day presents away as punishment. She went crazy and started hitting me. After about the 15th hit, I spanked her bottom with my hand three times. That was the end of the hitting as she then started crying for real. It is never a good thing when she is tired (no nap day) and I am tired too (bad night for me last night). I've been yawning since about 3 pm today and she was sleepy from the minute I picked her up from school. Not to mention I've been edgy for a few days now, thanks to "that time" of the month. I feel terrible when I've punished her more than the 'crime'. She is only four and tired and I am supposed to be the grown-up. All I can do is hope to do better tomorrow.

We used to have many more nights like this one. I can say that, overall, things are getting better. I am controlling myself better and she is responding to time-outs and tixs.

Well, there is always tomorrow....

I'm finished!

Alleluia - the semester is finished! About an hour ago I completed my last assignment for the semester and now I just wait for my grades. At this point I'm not even concerned with an 'A' or 'B' grade...just happy to be released from hell! Summer school starts on Saturday, but it is only one class and I graduate August. Hope to send in papers to begin process of taking CPA exam mid-summer and plan to sit for exam in January 2011. I will need to take a prep course, but that will not be as demanding as school work. My company offers tuition reimbursement, but you have to work for them for one year after being reimbursed. If not, you have to pay them back, prorated. Therefore I plan to look for a new job early next year, after sitting for CPA exam. By May of 2011, I plan to have something new and pay suited to my new degree and license.

Todd and Kate are on their way home from Grandma's. Todd went shopping for party supplies for Kate's b-day party, while Kate played at Grandma's. They left me home so I could finish my school work. It is nice to have a bit of time left-over for myself. May is going to be soooo busy for us - Mother's Day, Kate's party, Kate's dance recital, and start of summer school. I am planning a day off for myself soon - mostly fun stuff I want to do: waxing, pedicure, maybe lunch with a friend.

In August, after graduation, I'm planning a get-away weekend - not sure where yet but I will probably go stay with a friend in Texas or DC or Florida. It will be my graduation present to myself. :)

Big changes coming this year...I can just feel it. The momentum is building....it is very exciting!

Monday...another busy week

Supposed to be working on my either my job-work or school work right now....obviously doing neither. Can't be helped really - my stress level is thorough the roof and has been for about a week now. The end of the semester struggle is really bad this time and trying to force myself to care is tough. At least I got a decent night's sleep last night. Had Todd sleep in living room so I could go Ambien-free last night. I've found too many nights in a row of sleep meds and I, one, don't sleep as well, and, two, it affects my daytime mood too much.

Todd has his in-person interview for the Ass't Mgr job on Wed...oh please let him get this job. I can't stand being stuck in this apt night after night, while he works, for much longer. Of course, it would be helpful if Kate had a normal Grandma who was willing to help out in the evenings past 7 pm. Also helpful if Grandma was willing to watch Kate so mom could get some adult-time. My mom only thinks she should help out if it involves my job or school work. If I ask her to watch Kate on a Friday night so I can go out with the girls, that gets a "no". Since my hubby and I only get one night, Saturday, I feel guilty going out without him. The whole situation totally sucks!

Have my report for writing class - it was due yesterday..oops! I get 5 points deducted per day late...o'well. I can only do so much. My shoulder was hurting so bad by Saturday night that I was practically in tears. The thought of more computer work on Sunday was about unthinkable. Even now my shoulder is starting to flare up again and I have a whole day of work ahead of me.

On a completely different note, had two blasts from the past contact me over the last few days. It is funny how people pop back up in your life after long periods of time. I like to know that someone is still thinking about me, and in a positive way, after all these years. Makes me feel good. Lord knows, most days I don't feel appreciated in any positive way so these connections make me feel nice.

Well, I think I've gotten most thoughts out for now. Time to work...

Stuff

I have stuff, random and not so random, thoughts running through my head. I wasn't going to blog but I feel like if I don't get it out, my head might explode. As usual, the week got worse with each passing day. I start out each renewed from the weekend - nice time with Todd and Kate (usually) and no work stress. But as Monday becomes Tuesday becomes Wednesday, etc., I start to get annoyed and irrated at everything and everyone. Some weeks are better than others, of course. This was my bad week b/c it is month-end. The stress of closing out the month makes everyone a little nuts and then you throw the holiday/spring break in there too? Oh geez! Plus Michelle, my boss, had her surgery on Wednesday. Today Kate was out of school for their "spring break" day. God Damn, Good Friday...more freakin' places are closed on Easter than on Christmas. What the hell?? Todd went in a bit late today and took her out for a while, but it still badly messed up my work day. I mean, really, would you take your 3 year old to the office and expect to get any work done? Our apt is my office - I do the same work here that I did when I went to an office building everyday. It makes me nuts to have her home and me trying to work - Ugh! Definitely a downside to "work from home". I tell Todd "what would you do if I worked in an office? Why can't you take the day off to care for her?" I told him it was ok if I cut out of work early today but then, as things do, work went south around noon and never recovered. This afternoon I was tired, hot, and had to deal with a cranky preschooler while Todd went off to work.

I've been trying to stick to a schedule and do certain things on certain days - my attempt to control the chaos. Had two successful days this week - Tues and Wed. I guess I should be glad for those two days. Instead, as I tend to do, I bitch about the other 3 not so great days. My shoulder has been killing me, I swear I am constantly picking up either Kate or Todd's stuff, dishes, laundry, cat boxes, etc. etc. *AAAHHHH*

Been missing my Wii also - we got the damn thing so I could try to fit a work-out in at home. Guess what? Still don't have time to work-out even when you cut out the commute time. It is crazy. I am really trying to take things one day at a time - not plan too far ahead. Each day, I tell myself "just get through this day". Work on what needs to be done TODAY - not tomorrow, or next week, or next month. It is difficult for me to compartmentalize like that, but I am trying. I also remind myself that this semester ends in 5 weeks - I can handle 5 more weeks. I have finally started my Valuation project - I have two more Tuesdays to complete it. I figure as long as I do some work and turn in something, how bad can my grade be? I just need to graduate - I am way past caring about my grades.

Ok, need a to-do list for tomorrow so I can sleep w/out worry - think I may have overbooked myself (again) this weekend.

Me, my day, and my decision

My day has been all over the place and I realized so has my mood. I know mentally that I should be happy and strong and not let things bother me. I have a good life. My husband and daughter are wonderful and love me and I love them. I have a roof over my head and Todd and I are both employed. Still, I let things get the better of me today and it is upsetting. I feel like it was a day wasted and I just don't have time to waste a day of my life. I got upset, although not too badly, with Kate tonight b/c she kept getting out of bed. It is rare to have that problem with her anymore. I think the stress of "single-mom" five days a week is getting to me. Once again, I know I need to keep it upbeat and not let those things get me down. I want to be happier, satisfied with my life, enjoy the things I have but somehow that seems to keep eluding me.

I know once school is finished and I have that added stress out of my life, it will help a lot. With my current job situation, I am starting to question why I even went back to school. The first semester was great but after that it became a pain and stressful. I just couldn't have anticipated the situation we would find ourselves in - Todd's job loss, the moving - twice, Todd working second shift. In a way, I think I am dealing with grief. The loss of my life in Florida, the loss of our house, the loss of our standard of living....things have been moving so fast. I just don't have time to grieve. I know things are on the upward swing. Kate loves her new preschool. I know Goddard is one of the better decisions we have made lately. We plan to move to a 3 BD June/July timeframe so I can have an actual office. I've kind of given up on a new job anytime soon. The market is too bad right now. I need my degree and CPA finished and then a new job should be much easier to find.

I wish to be more thankful for what I have and focus less on what I don't have. I hope for the strength and sanity to find my way before I permanently damage myself or my family relationships. I want a happy, healthy, loving home for all of us, but especially for Kate. She is so young - she doesn't need this kind of stress in her life. Sometimes she takes the brunt of it when mommy had a bad day - I lose my patience too fast; I am impatient with her. I hate myself after. It is just so hard, day after day, night after night, doing it all alone. To her credit, Kate has been great lately. She is 90% well-behaved and that helps a lot.

Right now I need sleep and tomorrow is a new day! I promise to be happier and love my family more!

YES!YES!YES!

WooHoo - finally remembered my password. This is tied to an old, no longer working, email address. I couldn't reset my password b/c Blogger couldn't verify the old email...no kidding...it doesn't exist anymore - DuH! I am so excited...now I can blog again. Gotta get that log-in email changed so I don't have this problem again.

Long time, no chat

This summer has been crazy busy but now I have a moment to breathe. June was moving and getting settled; July was lots of Mary Kay, finishing summer school, and going to Dallas for seminar; now August I have no school until the 29th and I am caught up at work.

Any of you who know me will not be surprised that I have changed my mind (again!). I am going to finish school. I have thought about it and talked it over with Todd a bunch and feel strongly that I must see my master's degree through to the finish and see what happens. My ultimate goal is to teach accounting at the university level. It has been a vision of mine for some time now to teach. If I don't see this vision thru, I will drive myself crazy wondering "what if".

I am still working my Mary Kay business but it will be where I can fit it in. I am going to my MK meeting tonight and taking two guests with me...it should be fun!

Reading a book called The God Delusion - interesting so far...will have to see if I keep reading it. The author is an atheist and since I've always been a bit on the fence about God myself, I thought I should see what he has to say.